


Dun Stop Destorying da Prepz Till da Goffik Blak Beest Stopz Groiwlng

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: Gintama Chromatic Chronicles [3]
Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Gintama, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agender Character, Archery, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossover, Disguise, Emo, Exorcisms, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, Goffik, Historical References, Humor, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Magic, Magic-Users, Parody, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-01 03:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12696216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Gintama Chromatic Chronicles entry #3: Blak.Edo is hit with the goffik epidemic and it is up to the heroes to stop the disease from taking over completely (an: wht da fuk d u meen da author coght it, u STUPID PREPPY FUCKER?)Takes place afterScarlet Sails.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rein-tan (RainMidori)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainMidori/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my… Oh who am I kidding here? Special thanks to Shinsengumi member [Yamanami Kei'ichirō](http://archiveofourown.org/users/YukikotheChildofSnow/pseuds) for chekng da story and spelling. U suk! U fukin sukkkkk  
>  **Yamanami:** Sorry for the inconvenience. Don't worry, I knocked the author out. Let's get the fuck on with the story and I hope she doesn't hide my headache pills again.

"It's not Katsura, it's _Gossura_." he said seeing the way Shinpachi's jaw dropped. In lieu of his usual kimono, Katsura was dressed in an unmistakably goffik ensemble of black T-shirt, black leather jacket adorned with metal spikes, black skintight leather pants and black combat boots. His face was also caked with make-up… if you could call it that: "black lipstick" which was really just soy sauce staining his lips, white foundation and powder stolen from a geisha which made him look more _shironuri_ (AN: if u don't know what dat iz get da hell out of here!) than goffik, black eyeliner and red eye shadow which was really crayon (AN: zura u fukn poser die die die!). His long ebony black hair (AN: but hes named after japnese judas tree WHYYYY) also had purple streaks and red tips for good measure. Behind him, Elizabeth didn't look very different from usual, except the outline of his eyes were slightly thicker and his beaks were black.

"And I thought Kagura-chan suddenly having an interest in books and archery for _exactly 5 minutes_ was bad enough." Shinpachi commented.

"Shut up! What do you know, you preppy bastard?" Katsura replied, while Elizabeth held up a sign bearing the Japanese equivalent of U FUKIN SUK, "There is a My Biological Romance concert coming tonight and I want to invite Gintoki, that's all."

"But isn't there supposed to be an Otsuu-chan concert tonight? Are you saying it's cancelled? No, this is the worst!" Shinpachi held his head, devastated.

"Only preppy bastards would like a bitch like her. That is unacceptable. The way of the _kawai_ goff is the only way, and all those who don't follow them are prepz who deserve to die. Satan is joy, joy is Satan!" having said that, Katsura drew his sword. Shocked, Shinpachi thought he was aiming for him when, much to his surprise, he positioned the cutting edge at his wrist instead.

Then CLANG! The sword clattered to the floor. Katsura looked up. It was………………… GINTOKI!

"Yo, what's up, Zura!" he said preppily, picking his preppy nose, "Whatcha planning to do, bugging me about Joui again? I said…"

"Not Zura, it's Gossura!" he shouted sexily.

"'Kay then, _Gossura_. What's with that get-up? Oh, and look at that duck-thing's handwriting? I thought you always give it rigorous writing lessons, being the super-strict language snob you are? 'Sides, the weather is horrible; it's snowing and raining at the same time! Hey, you listening to me? Gossura?"

Katsura remained silent for a while before launching a sudden uppercut to Gintoki's face so hard it drew blood from his mouth, "NOT GOSSURA, IT'S KATSURA!"

* * *

"Yes, the goffik disease. You two must have heard about it on the news." said Katsura, now donning his everyday kimono again and was back to his crisp and pristine self, "It's spreading so quickly even the author of this story caught it, which explains some of the crazy sentences peppering the narrative. Don't worry, she is now under strict supervision of Shinsengumi members Yamanami Kei'ichirō and Serizawa Suzume (AN: Rein-tan dis is u!). I was on my way to warning you about this disease when I ran into that mysterious black creature whose features I didn't get a chance to see, because it infected me with the disease too fast. But I did hear its final intention of finding and seducing the most attractive villain of this universe, which I conclude will make the disease take over completely. Now I wonder who this attractive villain might be…"

Both his and Gintoki's minds flashed to the image of a bandaged, pipe-smoking, one-eyed man.

"Yo Kagura!" Gintoki called, "Come with us, we have a new mission now!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No fangz to u yammy and sukzawa, u stupid prepz! GTFO outta mi room u beeches! BTW preps stop flaming mah story OK!  
>  **Serizawa:** Why the hell are we doing this again?  
>  **Yamanami:** Because we'll have to commit suicide if you don't, bro.

"It's like we're the only sane ones left in the whole of Shinsengumi." said Okita while he and Hijikata were walking back to Shinsengumi headquarters.

"We _are_ the only sane ones left. Kei'ichirou and Suzume don't count." answered Hijikata as he enjoyed his _oh-so-fucking-preppy_ lunch of carb-packed carbonara (AN: haha geddit) with mayonnaise on top, even though mayonnaise is not supposed to be added to carbonara. But it's still preppy either way. Fucking prep, "Hey, I said take proper care of the author, damn it! Where was I? Oh, apparently some people can be immune to the disease like you, I and Kondou-san, but the prerequisite is unclear. All scientists in Edo have been infected before they could discover anything."

"I think I know why you're immune." Okita said, leaning extra-close to Hijikata and staring at him with his gothic red eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness, but he was still a prep, "Even the goffik virus is so disgusted by the dog food you eat everyday that it refuses to infect you."

"Oh, I think I know why _you're_ immune." Hijikata stared back with his blue eyes like limpid tears, "You're already a twisted monster, so it's impossible to corrupt you any further."

At that, Okita put his thingie into Hijikata's you-know-what, and by "thingie" I mean a bomb and by "you-know-what" I mean Hijikata's carbonara, and ran away. BOOM it exploded, and then an ash-covered, crappy-haired Hijikata chased Okita all the way back to the Shinsengumi base, "GET BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD SOUGO!"

* * *

The two made it back in time to see all their coworkers holding a goffik concert. Jiang Shi (Yamazaki wuz sooo depressed when his badminton racket was broken that he converted to Satanism. Now his name was Jiang Shi) was rocking on stage with his band Stanist Blak Pudding 999, while other Shinsengumi members were moshing. Then suddenly an explosion went off on stage, and a girl appeared. She had pale white skin and long black hair with purple streaks and red tips (basically like Enoby in da My Immortal fic). She was not from the Gintama-verse. It was…………………… Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!

All at once, the band as well as the audience all got on their knees, Jiang Shi even screaming, "FUK ME!!111111" but Enoby paid them no heed. Her eyes were on Okita.

She jumped sexily off of the stage and approached Okita, whispering gothically to him, "You must be da most sexah villain. You look exactly like Draco." (AN: to be fair okta iz kinda sexah so my body went all hot when I first saw him kinda like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. but anyway dun worry i still dun love him more than takasugi. he roxxx)

"Who are you?" Okita whispered back. It seemed he couldn't tear his gaze away from hers.

"Oh my goodness, if that isn't the original carrier of the goffik virus!" Hijikata gasped, "Sougo, get away from her! Don't fall prey to her spell! Are you listening to me? Sougo!"

"He's a fuking prep! Kill him! Kill him!" as if on cue, the rest of the Shinsengumi swarmed him like an army of zombies. Hijikata tried to wiggle away from their grasp in vain, watching as Enoby and Okita frenched passively. The last thing he saw was Okita, now blank-eyed and drooling, clung to her, and she cackled before both of them disappeared.

" _Sougo_!" Hijikata let out a scream before his coworkers beat him senseless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!  
>  **Serizawa:** But the story hardly has any reviews.  
>  odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!  
>  **Serizawa:** But I said, the story hardly has any…  
>  **Yamanami:** _(knocks author out)_ Suzu-kun. I said, no use arguing with idiots. Now where the hell are my pills?

"Damn it, get off of me!" Gintoki shrieked, trying to shake off an infected Sacchan, causing the motorbike he and Shinpachi were on to swivel madly, nearly knocking over Kagura, who was on Sadaharu's back, and Katsura, who was being piggybacked by Elizabeth. She wuz wearing a red corset with blak frill things all around it and cool blak skulls (COOL SKULLS HAHA GEDDIT) all over it, wearing red glasses with skulls on it kinda like Grel Suckclit in Blak Butter and spray-painted her hair purple even though her hair was already purple. Anyways she converted to Satanism and now her name was Succubus. She responded by clinging to him even tighter and even attempting to bite him.

"You're already troublesome enough normally, but being like this, you're a downright _nightmare_." Shinpachi attempted to shove Sacchan off only for her to stick her middle finger up at him.

Fed up, Gintoki grabbed her by her spray-painted hair and, in one violent swing, threw her forward. She landed on the windshield of a police car, which abruptly braked before two people stepped out of it. It was…………………… Kondou and Hijikata!

"I said one last time, you shitheads Suzume and Kei'ichirou: pay close attention to the author, or commit suicide! Her condition is getting worse!" Hijikata roared, "And you lot too! What are you doing? Why did you feel the need to toss this woman at our windshield?"

"Because Otsuu-chan's concert is cancelled and we have no time to waste! We must destroy the original virus carrier and save Otsuu-chan!" yelled Shinpachi.

"The fuck… Ah ah ah! Stop right there, Katsura! You're going nowhere!" Hijikata drew his sword as soon as he spotted the Joui leader.

"Seriously, you still have time for this?" Katsura said gayly and preppily, "Do you want the entire Edo, no, the entire _Japan_ to walk around in shitty black clothing and bizarre makeup and hold stupid concerts everywhere? Now look, the author is gonna succumb to the disease any minute now! We need to hurry and prevent the carrier from reaching the most attractive villain in the Gintama-verse, or it will be the end of us all!"

"Yeah, save that for later, Toshi." Kondou agreed, "First things first, we also need to track her down and rescue Sougo, so we're coming along with you!"

And so Kondou and Hijikata joined the party in search of Egogy.

'I said, joining league with them is a bad idea." Hijikata complained, speeding up to catch up with everyone else, "Besides, why do we have to bring this woman with us? I don't want her to infect us!" he motioned to a tied-up Sacchan in the back seat of their car.

"Don't worry, we're immune, remember?" Kondou laughed like a fuking preppy gorilla. He probably got AIDs anyway, "And I think I know why. My love for Otae-san is so great no virus can infect me, while in your case, it's because of the "special diet" you have everyday."

"Not you too, Kondou-san?!" Hijikata was about to say further when he noticed the party making an abrupt turn, at which he screamed, "Where are you going?"

"I know exactly where the black creature is going to show up." Katsura, who was leading the party, answered, "The My Biological Romance concert."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Serizawa:** Damn it! Where the hell is she hiding? We're so gonna get in trouble for this… Ouch, she even scratched my face too… What is she, a fucking cat?  
>  **Yamanami:** I am Prince Pillips of the Kindom of Headachatus Pillus!  
>  **Serizawa:** At least I'm still better off than him.

Kraken panicked as he looked around at the sea of goffs enclosing him and his companions.

"Not Kraken, it's Katsura."

Karakasa panicked as he looked around…

"Not Karakasa, it's Katsura."

Krakozyabry panicked as he…

"Not Krakozyabry, it's Katsura."

Kakjdelxhvlvyofukupozrprepzzz panicked…

"Not Kakjdelxhvlvyofukupozrprepzzz, it's Katsura."

"This is bad. The author is practically going nuts." kGURara said in a deprezzd voice as goffz kloze in on dem.

"Damn it, I'm so giving those two useless idiots a piece of my mind!" Higgajig grmbled in a statistic way.

"Hey, nice job there, Zura!" Ginger said gingerly (geddit), "So where the fuck is the culprit? You said she's supposed to be here, but where is she?"

"Hey, I swear I saw her and that Shinsengumi guy in the crowd, but then _Doraemon_ of all people had to pop out of nowhere and teleported them away with the Everywhere Door!" Kacphilak said sadly.

"Hey, we have a hostage here!" Ginger held up Succbus who wuz hld bondage n hld hiz sowrd at her "If you get any closer, this woman is dead!"

Den Devilicious (Hatter Zenith converted to Stanism now hiz nam iz Dvelicious) who wuz a ninja jumpd outta nowhere like a ninja and seved Sucubus.

"Hehehe u cnat run awei now!" da goffs laughed, "u r ours n we drink ur blud hehehe!"

Dey all froz in place dunno wut t doo n then saddnly sum1 appeered tapped on Gniger's shouldr. She wuz wering a blak vampiry dress wif goffik frill thingies on da front and ripped all rond it n combat bootz n she haz a pirate thingy on her eye. It wuz………………… Kneesock!

"You mean Kyuube?" she sed, "Also, if you're writing in English, get my pronouns right." fukin bitch truned to da groop, "Don't worry, guys, I'm on your side. This is a disguise. Who knows those stupid outfits Toujou keeps around might one day be of use. I'm searching for the original virus carrier too. I need to avenge my family! I mean, just this morning, my Papa walked into the living room shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS?" when I was having breakfast, and then he and Grandpa wore creepy black clothes and rocked to Nice Charles, among other things."

"But the carrier is gone." Shilling sed sadly, "And now we have a huge army of infected people to deal with."

"Don't worry, just leave me here to deal with them. You go find the culprit." fukin bitch moned pozerly, "Hey, I said _get my pronouns right_ , not _drop my pronouns entirely_! Agender pronoun exists, damn it!"

"Are you sure you can take them on alone?" Shiitake askd.

"Don't underestimate me. Also, Shinpachi-kun, tell your sister I wish her the best of luck and I hope she's alright."

N den a pritty gurl wering goffik clozd appered smiling sexily at dem. It wuz………………………… OTAE!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yamanami:** Suzu-kun is nowhere to be seen. Oh well. All the less headaches to suffer from.

"What the actual stinking _fuck_ do you mean Suzume is nowhere to be seen?" Higgajigga srceamed girlily, "And why are you acting so casual about it? You two _failed_ your mission, dumbasses! Now the author is completely mad, we are massively outnumbered and the real enemy has escaped! We're _doomed_!"

"Sis! What happened to you?" Shitpoop tryed to hugg hiz big siz butt she put fryed eggg in hiz muth n noze n he fell to da gruond. Fukin Bitch wif da pirate thingy and Kingkong wuz so shokked n deprezzd den dey became goffs too bcuz Scar'let (OTAE CHANGD HER NAME IN2 SCAR'LET OK) wuz a goff so dey must becum goffs.

"Pull yourself together, Shinpachi! Gorilla too!" Grignr yielded but it wuz too laet. Da goffs laughed evily and sukked all dere blood and dey died. Da end…

SWOOP!

"Wait a minute. Not so fast." seemingly out of thin air, a man appeared. He had short curly strawberry blond hair and looked like a French dude but he was young. He was wearing a white robe like Sarumen but he was young. It was………………

"Suzume?" Hijikata gasped.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting. I had to change into my exorcist garb." Serizawa said. His clothes was so white and nice it made him look like an a-n-g-e-l (no way Im typign dat) and all the goffs screamed in pain when they saw him, while Kondou and Kyuube recovered, "Well, now that I'm here, the author's condition have temporarily improved, but not much. We still have to take care of the carrier, or we'll be back to the drawing board again."

"Great timing, Jackie!" Kondou said (AN: da kanji in hiz name can also be red "jaku" so dats y kondou call him jackie! sides it also meenz "sparow" so hez jack sparrw hahaha geddit? also he haz 1 nose ok!). He said to everybody else, "After graduating from wizarding school, he's now a Fan Dumb Exorcist and he has connections with the PPC. He is head of a squad which specializes in exterminating Mary Sues and keeping the Gintama fandom pure. No Sues can survive his exorcism techniques! He is the bane of Sues!"

"Then why wasn't he elected to destroy the virus carrier in the first place?" Shinpachi questioned, having recovered from his sister's dark matter.

"Blame the Shinsengumi higher-ups, not me." Serizawa replied calmly, having already placed a purification talisman onto a goff who stepped on his toe, "I was ordered to keep the author in check with Kei-kun, and I couldn't refuse. Doing so would make me be too much like the historical Serizawa, and you, Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, know how much I loathe my historical self. Now let's quit chit-chatting and get on with business." he then produced a wand from his robe.

"Let me help you!" Kagura was suddenly wearing a sailor uniform, a quiver strapped to her back. She even held up a bow proudly. "The power of these sacred arrows will take down those bastards!"

"Can anybody keep track of how many references we've made so far?" Shinpachi quipped dryly.

No one answered him, because the noise of bolts after bolts of lightning from Serizawa's wand and the almost musical plucking of Kagura's bowstring combined with the shrieks of the goffs drowned out his voice. Nearly half of the goffs had been purified and returned to their normal selves, who were being lead by Elizabeth and Sadaharu to safety. Then…

"Stop."

The goffs immediately ceased their onslaught upon seeing a dark figure on the stage where the concert was previously held.

"At last, we found you. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." Serizawa announced, "The dark one who teleported into our universe after casting the Abra Kedabra curse that ended My Immortal. Too bad, you have nowhere to go, because…" he attached a talisman to the tip of Kagura's arrow, which she loaded and aimed at the dark figure, "We are going to put an end to your existence!"

Kagura released the bowstring, and the arrow containing both Serizawa and Kagura's purification powers (AN: dun ask hwo kagra got it) flew at a deadly speed at the dark creature and pierced its forehead.

Much to their shock, the creature just laughed as the arrow sunk into its forehead, after which it came right out of the creature's mouth. It stomped on the arrow before stepping into the moonlight. It was…

…

…

…

OKITA!

* * *

"Sougo!" Kondou called, "What happened to you?"

"So it's you, eh, bastard?" Kagura said, "Looks like one arrow isn't enough. Gotta shoot him through hell and back!" she was about to load three arrows at once before Serizawa stopped her.

"You are too late. I believe this is the one you're looking for." smirking, Okita stepped aside, revealing no one other than Ebory bound and gagged on the stage floor, "I was never _infected_ by this monster. I learned her technique and how to use it to my advantage. I have mastered it to the point where she's just a little fly against me."

"That means you can destroy her completely, right?" asked Hijikata.

"No, don't be stupid. Gotta keep her and her virus around for a while, or my army is gonna disappear. Now, my dark minions." he said to the goffs, "She is no longer your master. _I_ am. I have but one wish." he then broke into insane laughter, "KILL HIJIKATA!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yamanami is missing)

Ktkwawirzughhkvovpdawtxugcihvkhxitsutdtugcohhcuizuducihvigdtudu…

"Not Ktkwawirzughhkvovpdawtxugcihvkhxitsutdtugcohhcuizuducihvigdtudu, it's _Katsura_!"

"Are you sure she was talking about you?" Gilligan mttrd.

"Oh no, the author's condition is getting even _worse_!" Snoopcucc whined. Da goofs all moaned sexxxxilu n kuttng demslvz n cryng teerz f blud. Kingkonggorilla scremeed lik a grilly prep. Evn Sukzawa cnat do anyfing cuz da goifs r 2 strong his angle pwers cnat do anyfig. Kagra shuted her aros lik crazee butt Oktia laffed evolly n broke dem all. N den…

"What is going on here?" The goffs once again stopped dead in their track as the outline of yet another mysterious being could be made out, standing on the stage.

"Is that another Exorcist?" asked Shinpachi, now too mortified to step out from behind Gintoki.

"No, I can sense dark aura coming from him." Serizawa answered.

"Then what is he? Look, the author's writing just got better!"

Nothing more was said, and the person showed himself. He was wearing an elaborate kimono, had bandages over one eye and was holding a pipe (basically like Takasugi in da anime). It was…

"Alright, stop. I just appeared in this fan fiction for barely a minute and I'm already sick of your shitty reveals." he said, blowing a cloud of smoke.

"Takasugi Shinsuke!" came the only response from the four Shinsengumi members, _including_ Okita. The shock barely wore off when seconds later, they saw someone behind Takasugi and recognized who it was.

"So ur da sexxxxiest villain!" cooed TaEbory, having somehow broken free. Her pale arms snaked around him and her tongue having several piercings lapped at his neck, "Heey, deres a Good Chralotye concert cumming! Letz go n du pot, coke n crak 2gether n fuk da stoopid prepz 4eva!!!" she squealed a slew of incomprehensible fangirl garbage to him.

"Oh no, no, this is the end. We're doomed. It's been nice knowing you, Gin-san, even though you still haven't paid me…" Shinpachi was seconds away from bursting into tears.

"No, it's not. You see, the author's prose is still fine." Katsura chuckled.

Shinpachi did not have to enquire any further, as right then Takasugi shoved Evony to the stage floor. She did not stand up again, nor could she, as she was writhing madly screaming out in pain as though under the Cruciatus curse. It was a sight that nearly had Serizawa dying of a heart attack from shock.

"The hell? You bastard, you're not even a Fan Dumb Exorcist!" he said, "How did you subdue her so easily despite not having any exorcism training? Besides, you are one of the most evil characters in the series, so how did you defeat an evil creature like that?"

"To answer both of your questions: it _is_ precisely because I'm not an exorcist and I'm a villain. I find it laughable that you think your useless "angel" powers can defeat a thoroughly corrupted creature like this one. No, in order to take it down, you must be even more evil than it is. Your black beast must be so powerful no Mary Sues can even dream of getting close to, let alone seduce it. As soon as your villainy is so great the evil power of a Sue cannot exist in the same universe as it, your problem is solved."

The second the last word escaped his mouth, all remaining goffs (including Okita) transformed back to their normal selves, Enoby vanished into thin air and all was well in the world again.

Except…

"It is high time I kick your ass today, bastard!" Kagura cracked her fist as she declared to Okita, who had already readied his bazooka.

"We can say the same to you too, Takasugi!" Gintoki and Katsura said, drawing their swords.


	7. Chapter 7

"All Shinsengumi members have recovered from the effect of the virus, but in order to ensure that everyone recovers completely, I suggest playing the opening themes of the first few anime seasons non-stop at our headquarters for one week." Serizawa said at the Shinsengumi meeting. I apologize for digressing, but _damn_ was he extra cute today, even in his uniform. He forgot to comb his hair, but it was amazing how his soft blond curls when disheveled made him look even _better_ , unlike the silver mess on Gintoki's head. He was speaking so calmly to his superiors with that pleasant smile on his face, while his cheeks were a light pink from the canned _amazake_ he was sipping (AN: Rein-tan dis is for u! Also, damn, that was some strong _amazake_ to get him blushing like that).

"Hold it right there, Suzume." Hijikata said, "Have you forgotten that you and Kei'ichirou have failed your mission of keeping an eye on the fic author? Besides, where the hell is he? He's been missing since yesterday, and this is all your responsibility!"

"I and my squad will investigate his whereabouts immediately, but, I warn you, my Exorcist senses tell me that the influence of the goffik virus carrier has still not disappeared entirely. In fact, it is still alive and well right here, in Edo, in our very headquarters."

Hijikata was about to ask what he meant until he caught a glimpse of black nail polish on Serizawa's nails. "Oh crap." were the only words he and Kondou managed to get out.

**The End**


End file.
